BDSM: A Survivor’s Tool

Content Warning: CSA, abuse, manipulation, rape.

I continue to unravel the tightly stretched swaddle that wraps my body. The swaddle once felt comfortable, familiar. Then, I started to feel confused and scared in its cradling grip, crushing me. It’s been years since the wrapping began, when I was eight-years old. Forty years later, I now know how to manage and work with this material. I have learned how to stretch and breathe through this tightly woven fabric; how to find focus and groundedness. It gets easier every time. With every stretch the threads become more flexible, more malleable to the new ways that my mind and my body grow. Yet, the discomfort and confusion have become my new normal. So much so that with even the slightest elevation in comfort, I think I am home, safe and healed. Even that small amount of comfort takes some time to get used to. I keep moving. Flaring my nostrils, I keep finding yet another point of resistance in the cloth. I detest finding new points, new triggers.

My harm-doer molested me for years as a child. When I was fifteen, she orchestrated and participated in my gang rape. She spent years grooming and manipulating me. She emotionally abused me, and repeatedly exercised power and control over me. The burden of this trauma has been much like a sturdy swaddle. On my healing journey, I have had to deal with another set of suffocating constraints: mainstream ideas for healing. There is pressure to heal in an acceptable and respectable manner, like going to talk therapy. Going beyond traditional methods of healing, I am constantly searching for the strength to re-drape this oppressive bond, this suffocating swaddle, that’s been stretched and torn and stitched.

BDSM allowed me the fortitude to push further and craft safety within my own vulnerability. BDSM, also known as kink, carries with it much societal negativity and misconception. It is often seen as depraved, psychotic, and even criminal. At best, kink is what strange people do behind closed doors.

BDSM is an acronym of “B&D” (Bondage & Discipline), “D&S” (Dominance & Submission), and “S&M” (Sadism & Masochism). BDSM is any activity that involves one or more of these six elements. BDSM must be consensual. BDSM activities are negotiated and may or may not include sex. Power is most often at the heart of these negotiations; all parties agree that some exert power while others relinquish it for pleasure, satisfaction, curiosity, desire and the like. Bondage & Discipline primarily deal with physical restraint and control of movement, thus control and surrender. Dominance & Submission deal with more psychological aspects of possession and control, although there are physical elements as well. Sadism & Masochism deal with the degree of intensity that may manifest as pain, including pleasurable pain, or endurance.

Kink generally refers to alternative sex practices, a concept that is always shifting, depending on what sexual behaviors are deemed normal. In 2015, with the popularization of Fifty Shades of Grey books and movies, kink and BDSM entered mainstream consciousness. Many people began to read books, purchased toys, and sought more information about this new sexy thing called BDSM. For me and many who have been part of the BDSM lifestyle for decades, Fifty Shades of Grey left much to be desired. The phenomenon sold a fantasy that was far from the true nature of BDSM, which is a thoughtful negotiation of power dynamics, safety, and aftercare. Yet, it allowed marginalized people to explore their sexuality beyond what they had been told.

Everything I know about healthy sexuality, I learned as an adult within BDSM communities*. Kink opened up a world to me that I never knew existed. It allowed me options beyond sex and sexual intercourse, and traditional models of sexual interaction and bonding. BDSM has allowed me to sit with, rage within, reconstruct, and relive traumatic aspects of my past in a safe, consensual, and controlled environment; it has given me permission to access vulnerable, difficult, and sensitive experiences. For instance, impact play, a form of kinky play that involves playing with power through striking the body with toys or hands, became a healing practice of release for me. It allowed me to feel something within and beyond the trauma that altered my connection to intimacy. I found that I wasn’t sexually broken. I just needed to find the right form of sexual expression and practice. BDSM was that for me; it gave me options that emphasized consent, expansiveness, and creativity.

When I think about BDSM for survivors, I think about five reasons why it can be used as a healing too. These five reasons, or the five C’s, come up for me over and over as I expand my practice and explore new ways of connecting with my body and with others.

Choices

BDSM offers a vast array of practices, techniques and lifestyle that intentionally engages with power. BDSM is creative in its offerings and possibilities. BDSM relationships or kinky interactions can be based on psychological play, physical intensity, or confinement. The intensity or playfulness is up to what is negotiated. One could have sporadic interactions or commit to living in the power dynamic 24/7. One could practice it among other BDSM practitioners, or privately in their own bedroom. One can possess many kinky tools for impact such as floggers, paddles, cuffs and the like, or could only use their hands and other body parts. You can engage in BDSM without engaging in intercourse. There are many exciting ways to navigate and learn more about BDSM.

I find BDSM more exciting than any intimate sex that lacks elements of kink. When I first entered this world, I stepped out of my survivor experience of sexual intimacy and into something beautifully complex. I felt empowered looking at the large menu of options for sexual exploration. The previous menu only had one option; there was no choice. Asking for a different menu was often confronted with shaming. With BDSM, I have the opportunity to see what feels right for me.

Consensual

BDSM communities are adamant about consent. Safe, sane, and consensual (SSC) is one of several phrases used by some in kinky communities to describe themselves and their philosophies regarding safety.
* Safe: practices are communicated to identify and prevent risks to health.
* Sane: practices should be done of sound mind and free from recreational drugs.
* Consensual: practices are consented to by everyone involved.

Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK, also Risk-Accepted Consensual Kink) is another acronym used by some in the BDSM community. RACK states that any practice between informed consenting adults is acceptable. Being risk-aware emphasized that everyone should be informed of the risks involved in the proposed practice.

Whether these acronyms work for you, or you decide to expand beyond them, developing a philosophy on consent, safety, and communication is essential to practicing kink. For survivors, engaging with consent on a deep intentional level is empowering. Knowing that I have a kinky community who are committed to practicing and honoring consent, I have been able to feel safe and allow myself to explore.

Culpability

Accountability is the heart of practicing ethical BDSM. When agreeing to any sexual practice, BDSM encourages open communication and setting an accountability process during and after playtime. This container gave me the most important tool I needed to access kink: power to set clear expectations and hold people accountable for our agreements. I get to co-create this process by thinking about the details that matter to me. And if anything feels off or wrong at any time, I get to set an accountability process into motion. As a result, even outside of BDSM, I’ve felt more empowered to speak up for myself. I give myself permission to ask questions and to check in with myself afterwards about any interactions. As a survivor, it is important for me to have sufficient information about what I agree to, and to know what accountability looks like in case events don’t unfold as I expected.

Curative

The hidden gem of BDSM is its healing aspects. In my interactions with survivors across the country, many agree it reduces anxiety and releases stress. I personally feel like my mental health is better when practicing BDSM. Using kink to work through trauma, especially sexual trauma is another healing aspect. This mode of healing isn’t for everyone but the same could be said for any healing practice. In this regard, if you choose to journey through BDSM as a curative method, watch for triggers you didn’t know you had. Triggers may come up in the middle of a scene. Memories can resurface. Subconscious memories can come forward. I highly suggest additional healing support—talk therapy, group therapy, art therapy, spiritual or religious counsel, coaching, or identifying an accountability buddy or team. You can decide what is right for you and know that the accountability aspects of BDSM will help cradle the process. Understanding how you have responded to triggers in the past, and what kind of aftercare you think you may need, is vital. Aftercare can happen immediately, (a massage, a cuddle, a cup of water, etc.) and it can happen over days (a phone call, a visit, a comfort food, a shoulder to cry on, etc.). Getting to know these things about your needs to create safety is woven into this curative process.

Celebratory

BDSM is a celebration of sexuality and sexual expression. Before I discovered BDSM, sexual intimacy felt more like an obligation. Upon my entrance into BDSM and adopting its philosophies, I was actually excited about navigating the world of body, mind, and soul. My explorations were adventurous, and I felt celebrated by others in my kink community. Every time I expressed a desire, or wanted to explore a taboo, I received affirmations that allowed me to do so safely and confidently. I went from fear and ambivalence when engaging in sex, to being excited about being naked in a kink filled dungeon. The act of uncovering what we are told is shameful is an act of conquering. BDSM has allowed me to revisit my sexual abuse and trauma from many angles and rewire my responses; a process that is definitely worth celebrating.

We come to BDSM differently— some want to experiment, some want to feel something different, and some seek to change their narrative. BDSM is a place to play with power, to let go, to feel empowered, and to grieve. BDSM offered me the ability to reach into the darkest places of my trauma. By doing so, I was able to shift my thinking, rewrite the trauma, put myself in control, and allow myself to let go without shame. I needed to move and continue adjusting myself within the swaddle of my trauma and healing process. Once I understood that the fabric will give way, I kept pushing to make room for my needs and desires. BDSM empowers me to—instead of engaging in destructive self-harm by keeping a secret—celebrate my scars and give life to my own unique sexuality.

Fetlife.com (local events, groups) Networking Website
Kink University – Education Website
Sex Down South Conference (Marla Stewart)
Tristan Taormino’s Book The Ultimate Guide To Kink
The Perverted Negress, Educator Mollena.com
The Weekend Reunion weekendreunion.com (Black-centered, all welcome, BDSM event list)

*While it is true that my experiences within the BDSM communities have been overall positive, some kinky people and communities engage in abusive practices, and sexual violence can and does occur. Watching for warning signs and setting boundaries are important in seeking and finding the right people, and I am not suggesting one should let their protective guards down around kinky people (or anyone).